Forgiveness Is Divine
Today is my birthday. The first thought on my mind and heart is forgiveness. Let me tell you why.
Without the ability to forgive, our hearts rot with anger, bitterness, and contempt. We become prisoners of our own inability to see the complexity of life. Most people who make bad decisions and emotionally hurt each other, don’t mean to. Our world needs accountability and forgiveness.
You cannot be forgiven until you ask for it. To ask for it, is to acknowledge reality and create meaning in one’s mind consistent with meaning making outside of it. For example, the ideal scenario in romantic breakups is creating shared meaning about why its ending. It is the most loving thing you can do for yourself and your former partner. Relationships end. We don’t have to hurt each other as they end.
We can also forgive ourselves and our partners after there has been accountability. That’s even the case in partnerships that were a little bit or a lot a bit toxic. Most couples who exhibit criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, aren’t doing it intentionally. It is an unconscious thing that needs to be brought to light in couples therapy, for instance. Once a couple take accountability for their respective contribution to the conflict, the couple can go through the stages of repair: atonement, attunement, and attachment.
I have walked beside couples through these three steps. They are necessary in cases of betrayal. Atonement, taking account for one’s actions. Attunement, learning to emotionally attune to one another in a way that you never did before, and then finding secure attachment with each other and living happily ever after.
Since 61% of married couples in the U.S. divorce without an adequate dose of couples therapy, most don’t make it to ‘happily ever after’. They quit, they give up, they fall out of the marathon of marriage. Some of these couples should separate, the percentage will forever remain unclear.
Yet, I’ve worked with married couples through infidelity and toward marriage, having children, etc. It is possible and I have seen it with my own eyes. I don’t have to take this on faith, there’s substantial emperical evidence to suggest that we can work through betrayal.
Accountability is usually the missing piece. Non-defensiveness is key here. My suggestion, consider the following question: did I contribute anything to this current conflict? Even if small, is there something I can acknowledge silently to my self how I may have contributed?
If you’re able to do that, you probably don’t have marked narcissistic personality traits. Bravo. If it’s hard for you to acknowledge ANY part in a relational challenge/conflict, you may suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. Effective treatment is available and should be sought by those who are chronically defensive, blaming, and non-changing.
I pray that we can all take accountability for our contributions to the world in each we live today. I have faith that forigveness is possible. I believe in the transforming power of relational repair. It is the preferred end state of any conflict, from when you’re a child in a sandbox to a married couple of 20-years. Say your sorry, for what, and seek repair.